Hey

 

Hey, 

It’s me. It’s been a bit since I’ve talked to most of you. Like truly talked to you all. I decided instead of some long ranting Facebook post, this would serve as a more readable location to get what I want to say off my chest. September is suicide awareness month and there’s a story I’d like to share. I won’t take up too much of your time, so I’ll get right to it - I haven’t been doing well for a while. These past 2-3 years has seen my mental well-being take a nosedive. I actually had my own near brush with suicide in the middle of July. It’s terrifying to think just how close I was to not being able to write this to you today. Like really close.I spent four days at Penn State Hershey, in their behavioral health center as I talked to various people, rested and recovered from what was a life-changing experience.  And I write that not to scare anyone, but just to be honest with myself, because even I don’t fully realize just how bad it got and how far down the drain I was. That was a build-up of months (and really, years) of stress, anxiety, and some unfortunate situations that just boiled up inside of me until I hit a breaking point. It’s the lowest I’ve ever been. I felt helpless, lost and feeling like I had no other options. It’s an incredibly lonely feeling I hope none of you reading this ever go through.

I won’t take up time describing the various situations that contributed to that state, but I basically spent February through July of this year in a deep depression and now knowing if every time that I talked to or saw my friends/family would be my last. It was a brutal period where I did few things besides sit in my room, eat, drink and sleep. I put on almost 10 pounds and didn’t feel like myself for a single second. It was literally a weight on my shoulders. It was a mess, to say the least, and an experience I am working every day to not go through again. 

It would probably help if I also gave you guys some insight as to the other things I have had since I was younger. I’ve had Oppositional Defiant Disorder since I was 3 years old. To save space, it basically means that I get frustrated and angry quicker than normal, and can also be incredibly spiteful/argumentative in more situations than most. It’s a condition I really refused to believe I had until just a few years ago. I always wanted to believe I didn’t have any mental issues and was just like everyone else, but that’s incredibly far from the truth. It’s hard to explain, but sometimes I just feel like I have no control. Something small will sit with me for hours and my mind will race (it’s constantly racing with bad scenarios and is something I am working on limiting) and I’ll get more upset, and then get upset at myself for being that upset about it to begin with. Or I’ll get heated quickly in certain situations and I’ll have an outburst or say something I don’t mean. Then I’ll wake up the next day after sleeping it off, and be completely fine. It’s incredibly difficult to manage sometimes and I’m really trying my best to recognize the early warning signs and get ahead of it. But that’s easier said than done. It’s like someone pushes buttons in my head that force me to react in certain ways sometimes. For me, I’ve always wanted to be in control of every aspect of my life. I consider myself a very independent person, so to not have control most of the time in my own mind is hard to come to grips with a lot.

I also have some symptoms of depression, obviously. It’s not constant and is more situational (i.e. a lot happening in the last two years that just piled on top of me). Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gianna’s death hit me hard and out of nowhere, and definitely started me down a dark path. For almost a full year after their passing, I spent many nights crying myself to sleep, upset that I’d lost my idol and his beautiful daughter and not knowing how to process that grief. But I’ve worked hard to celebrate their lives more instead of viewing it only as a negative. Combine that with other life events in the last two years, and it’s felt like a mountain to climb at times. Sometimes I’m hyper and want to talk to everyone, and other times I cut my phone off for hours and avoid it all. The main goal right now is to find that better balance. Sometimes my energy is up and down since my body and emotions were basically shot after July. 

I know generally, I seem like a talkative and fun person, but in reality, I have a hard time being in public a lot, socializing in big crowds, dealing with my stress and anxiety, and managing my anger. I’m usually terrible at making prolonged eye contact, and I struggle with wanting to make conversation a lot. I’ve never been good about talking about what is bothering me, and often I’ve found myself letting things boil inside of me until I say or do something that isn’t right. It’s by far the hardest thing I am working on right now, but I am confident that with more time and dedication, I can get better at it.

My whole point in this post is that because it is National Suicide Awareness Month, I urge any of you who are not feeling yourself to do whatever you can to seek help or find more positive situations. Nowadays, our mental health is more important than ever. Some people think they are invincible physically, but I thought for a long time that I was invincible mentally and that I could handle everything on my own, which is a silly notion for anyone. We all need help. Talk to a therapist, or close friends or family. Don’t hold everything inside of you. Layout your weaknesses and then come up with a game plan to attack and conquer them. We’re all stronger than we know. I’ve been able to unpack a lot in therapy every two weeks, diving deeper into the root of some of my anger and frustration that dates back to issues with my stepmom in high school. I feel lighter every time I walk out of therapy because I've gotten things off of my chest and been able to figure out how to overcome them.

I’m incredibly thankful to my family and close friends who have known about what has been going on the past few months. I appreciate all of your support so much, and I hope to see all of you soon. I’d especially like to thank my Mom. She flew up, rented a van, packed my apartment, and drove me down from Pennsylvania to Florida, all in the span of four days. She and her husband have moved mountains for me in such a short period of time, and have been super helpful in so many ways that have allowed me to slowly but surely get my life back on track. She’s been incredibly strong and I think our relationship has grown a ton since I got to college, but especially in the past three months. 

Anyways, I just wanted to take this short period of your day to fill you in on what’s been going, just because I’ve had a lot of you ask where I’ve been and whatnot. I’m going to be in Florida for a little bit, but I hope to get back up to the northeast and see many of you soon. Just know my phone is always open if anyone ever needs to talk. These experiences have been incredibly tough, but have me motivated to help others just as much as myself. I know there are no changes I can make overnight, or even within a few months that will put me in some incredible position. It’s going to take time and effort, both of which I’m grateful to say I have now. 

I’ll talk to you and see you all soon enough. Until then, you can find me getting ready for the Lakers’ season and listening to the new Drake album (my roots haven’t and won’t ever change don’t worry). Best of luck to all of you. You’re all doing awesome things. Take Care.

• Jordan